Tuesday, March 25, 2003

booty call

i just had my first live sexual experince in 8 years. let me explain:

no, there is too much. let me sum up:

  • october 1995: break up with the (only) boyfriend, virginity intact.
  • november 1996 - sometime in 1998: engage in sporadic cyber- and phone sex with someone i could never, ever, *ever* have in real life. he's married now.
  • 1998 - 2003: *crickets chirping*
  • today: asked a friend if he minded being used for sexual favors. he said no.

basically, what happened is that i made a Decision. i'm old, and i'm lonely, and i'm sick of feeling unattractive all the time. and everybody else seems to enjoy having meaningless, sweaty encounters. so.

there was kissing.

there was groping.

there was touching.

there were orgasms on both sides.

basically, i found out i was right. it's all empty without love. maybe there's something wrong with me, maybe i've been alone too long, but those fifteen seconds of breathless shuddering should mean something. there should be sharing and intimacy and need.

i cried. not because it was good. not because it was bad. because it was the same. it was no different than being alone, except for the arms that held me. i only hope that if i ever am in love, i'll cry because it's all i can do to keep from exploding. i want the fireworks.

am i expecting too much? somebody please, let me know.

virginity is still intact.