Tuesday, March 25, 2003

booty call


i just had my first live sexual experince in 8 years. let me explain:


no, there is too much. let me sum up:


  • october 1995: break up with the (only) boyfriend, virginity intact.
  • november 1996 - sometime in 1998: engage in sporadic cyber- and phone sex with someone i could never, ever, *ever* have in real life. he's married now.
  • 1998 - 2003: *crickets chirping*
  • today: asked a friend if he minded being used for sexual favors. he said no.


basically, what happened is that i made a Decision. i'm old, and i'm lonely, and i'm sick of feeling unattractive all the time. and everybody else seems to enjoy having meaningless, sweaty encounters. so.


there was kissing.

there was groping.

there was touching.


there were orgasms on both sides.


basically, i found out i was right. it's all empty without love. maybe there's something wrong with me, maybe i've been alone too long, but those fifteen seconds of breathless shuddering should mean something. there should be sharing and intimacy and need.


i cried. not because it was good. not because it was bad. because it was the same. it was no different than being alone, except for the arms that held me. i only hope that if i ever am in love, i'll cry because it's all i can do to keep from exploding. i want the fireworks.


am i expecting too much? somebody please, let me know.


virginity is still intact.

Monday, February 17, 2003

there's a sticker on the bathroom floor. it's almost centered on one gray 1x1 tile, under the shadow of the stall divider. it's a tiny sticker, and i just noticed it last week. for some reason it makes me think of an album cover. it says "58".

Monday, February 10, 2003

not a loser after all

i found it.

Thursday, February 06, 2003

for the past three days, my diet has consisted primarily of baked doritos, chocolate donuts, and watermelon jolly ranchers.

Tuesday, February 04, 2003

tomorrow is my birthday.

people keep asking me what i want. and i have no answer. things i want aren't really birthday-present material. i want my mom to know me well enough to know what to get me without asking. i want to be in love with someone who isn't a fictional character. i want willpower. i want clear skin.

i don't want to sleep alone tonight.

hardly a list i could present to my friends and family.

oh well.

Monday, February 03, 2003

my brother gave me $220 in cash to pay for part of my dad's christmas present. i stuck it in the envelope with my credit card pay stub thing, to remind myself to get a money order. i think i lost that envelope.

i have the feeling i should be more upset about this.

Tuesday, January 28, 2003

this must be what going mad feels like.